I only have eyes for you
by eisa
Summary: after Spike gets his soul.he is not coping well and an old guilt haunts him With Buffy's help will he learn to see again.
1. blood tears

**_Disclaimer_: I own nothing all Joss's stuff. Got to love the genius. Lyrics from various Buffy soundtracks and others, as they appear I'll let ye know.**

**_Contents_: Death, sex, blood. All the good stuff ;) **

**_Setting_: Just after Spike is souled, totally my view of an even darker route he could have gone down. No sign of the first yet.**

He sat there in the dark; always in the dark; that was where he belonged. He deserved to see no one, he was a murderer and he must pay, so there he sat in the dark dank crypt, naked as the day he was born some 129 years before. He sat silently in the corner hugging his knees to his chest rocking slowly as the face of each of his many victims swam passed him. So many faces, so many screams that wouldn't let him sleep. He felt the demon stir within, it needed feeding but he couldn't bring himself to drink. So he sat there not daring to close his eyes, if he didn't close them he wouldn't see them, if only he could make them disappear. So many voices, so many accents and languages that screamed curses and pleas for mercy at him.

She found him there after hearing from Clem that he was back; that he was changed. She had to see this for herself. She wasn't angry at him anymore, how could she have stayed mad at him, he was evil he did what he did because he was evil. But she hated him for so nearly gaining her trust then breaking it in such a brutal manner. She sensed him before she saw him. His scent was so familiar to her now after years of stalking each other. Entering the crypt she was on guard, he would not surprise her. But as she went in she looked around, it was completely dark except for the faint glow of the cemetery lighting which flooded in once she opened the door.

"Spike?" she said cautiously moving further into the crypt. She heard a softly murmur from the corner and as her eyes grew accustomed to the lack of light she began to make out the cowering figure in the corner. His head shot up as he heard her approaching; looking at his face she dropped the stake. She fought the urge to rush to him to comfort him. He was crying what looked like tears of blood but as she came closer she saw that he wasn't crying; his eyes were gone.

"Spike, what- what happened?" her voice softer then even she expected. She sat in front of him and tried to take his hands away from his face to see the extent of the damage.

"Don't touch me; I'm not worthy." He said as he moved further along the wall until he was wedged into the corner. Clem was right he had changed; his body language, his voice had even changed. What had happened to him while he was away; this was not the Spike she had grown to love to hate. The one man who could make her so very angry and almost make her laugh at the same time.

"Let me decide that. First tell me what did this to you?" she said in a concerned whisper. He turned to face her, the sight of his eyeless sockets almost made Buffy cry, his beautiful blue eyes were gone. She would kill whatever did this to him; whoever reduced her cocky vampire to this would die.

"I had to make them stop. I didn't want to see them anymore. But even blind I see them. Make them go away; please make them go away. Why did he never say it was this hard?" Spike wept pleading with bleeding eyes.

"You, you did this. Who didn't mention how hard what was? Spike please talk to me." She pleaded any anger she felt towards him was now almost gone, she wanted to tell herself it was pity but it was genuine concern.

"Spike, Spike. That awful name. I wish he had died years ago." The blinded vampire said rambling, his voice broken with fear and pain.

"Spi…. William?" she asked softly saying his human name with ease. Again he turned to face her as she said that name.

"Angel should have warned me. He should have said that it was better to walk into the sunlight then live with it burning away inside me. I tried to cut it out but it is too deep. Buffy _please_ make them stop." Then Buffy knew what he was saying.

"You got a soul?" she gasped rocking back on her heels.

"Kill me." He begged trying to stand. Buffy couldn't help but notice the deep cuts on his chest and the cross like burns on his arms and legs. What had he done to himself? Why had he gotten a soul? Walking slowly towards him she took his hand gently in hers but he snapped it back.

"I don't deserve to be touched, why won't they stop screaming? Can you hear them too? So many." He screamed into the darkness; curling into a ball again. She went to him slowly, her heart racing as she again went to touch him.

"How can you bear to look at me when I did; did such awful things to you?" he cried as he finally let her take his hand. His skin was so cold, but when he felt her touch it was as if he was on fire. She moved away for a second and he thought she was leaving. But then he felt the soft spun wool of her coat around his shoulders and then the sound of ripping fabric. Then he felt her softly dabbing the blood away from his face.

"I think Giles should take a look at you. Will you come with me?" she said softly, only now noticing the grey shade to his skin; he hadn't feed.

"No, I don't want help. I don't deserve help." He said in a hushed whisper.

"When did you last eat?" she asked softly continuing to wipe his face.

"I can't remember." He sighed as he felt his legs shake underneath him. Before he fell to the ground she caught him and helped him to the sewer entrance that would bring them back to the magic box. He wept on her shoulder tiny blood tears stained her bare shoulder, she held him closer to her trying not to notice that he was continually mumbling apologizes to her. His blinded eyes staring openly at nothing.

"I should never have come back. I never should have come back after what I did. But I thought you would kill me, make the pain go away. I was too much of a coward to just get a tan." 'get a tan' Buffy had to smile there had to be some of her old Spike still there. If he was she would find him.


	2. laura

Chapter 2

She helped him up the ladder into the training room, slowly she lifted him into the room and laid him softly on ground.

"I'm going to see if there is any blood in the fridge." Her voice soft as she left him. There was no one around as she went into the dark shop and found the last blood bag that was in the fridge. Dawn insisted that there be at least one fresh bag in the fridge in the event of Spike returning there would be food for him. Buffy and Xander hadn't been too happy but agreed just to keep the child happy. After heating it in the microwave she brought it through to him. She found Spike curled in a ball in the corner whispering a nursery rhyme.

" 'Ring-a ring-a rosies

a pocket full of posies

tissue tissue

we all fall down.' Laura don't go near the river mother said it's dangerous. Laura!" sobs shook his body as she drew closer trying not to think of who Laura was.

"I couldn't stop her; she was too stubborn but so very little, long brown curls. So innocent." He wept as Buffy slowly put the cup to his lips, she watched him change into his game face as he drank the blood the look of need and disgust crossed his face.

"I should have helped her. I should have stopped her. Father beat me so badly after; but I couldn't save her." He wept as he morphed back into his human face. Human guilt, she knew that now, this was the guilt that lived in the man; that lived in William.

"Who was Laura?" she asked softly as Spike turned to face her he put his blind hand on her cheek.

"Laura? I haven't said that name in over a hundred odd years, I never let myself think about her. She was my baby sister, she was the most beautiful young thing, tough too; loved climbing trees. I was eleven and she was ten, we used to do everything together. We were in Norfolk at my grandmothers one summer. We were playing near a river one eveningwhen she decided to go swimming. I told her not to I told her it was dangerous. But she just said she would paddle not go to deep. I only turned my back for a second, just a second and she was gone. No body no nothing." He wept. Buffy didn't know what to say, she tried to imagine what it would be like for him to lose his sister like that.

"William, it wasn't your fault you were so young, you couldn't have saved her." She whispered as she looked down on him, her eyes swimming with tears.

"I see her now too, among the victims. I hear her voice calling me asking me why I didn't see her being taken by the water. Her voice is loudest then all of them. The one true human guilt." He said in a haunted whisper as if he didn't want the voices to hear.

"Buffy please make them go away." He begged taking her hands in his. She couldn't help but notice that his hands were shaking.

"I will help you." She whispered as he cried again.

"I want to be back to normal, I want to be me again." He whisper.

"Buffy! Spike!" a shocked voice said from the door. Spike turned to face the wall hiding his face. Willow stood at the door a look of utter shock on her face.

"What is he doing here?" Willow said as Buffy slowly moved towards her not taking her hand from his shoulder until she had moved to far away. At the loss of her touch he curled further into a ball.

"He needs help." Buffy whispered to her.

"He needs to be staked." Willow said in a harsh whisper. Buffy slowly brought Willow to Spike. The slayer knelt beside him and touched his arms softly.

"William, let Willow see you maybe she can help." Her voice soft and gentle.

"William?" Willow whispered softly. Slowly Spike turned around and looked at the witch. Willow gasped in horror as she saw him blinded and crying blood tears.


	3. willows help

Chapter 3

"What happened?" Willow asked her voice stuttering as she looked from the blinded vampire to the knelling slayer who simply had her hand resting on his trembling shoulder.

"He, he got a soul." Buffy sighed as Spike huddled closer to her; his cold body shaking as Angel's had when he had returned from hell. Angel, the thought hit her Angel could help.

"Willow, will you call _him_?" Buffy said looking up at her friend. Willow knew who she meant instantly and nodded trying to look away from Spike's blinded face.

"His eyes." She said softly. Buffy just nodded and silently and wiped blood tears away from his pale cheeks. Why hadn't the blood stopped? She wondered as her torn piece of blouse was now soaked through and blood was trickling down her fingers as she wiped the tears.

"I know. Just make the call Willow. He might be help." Buffy said as she stood to face the red head.

"**Don't **call him. Please. Just help me. Just you, you and yours. You can make them stop screaming make the faces go away." His voice so feeble and quite it was as if the two women had dreamt it. Looking at him Buffy's heart broke, her once bitterest enemy, uneasy ally, lover; looking at him now this broken shell of what he once was all she wanted was one cocky comment, one fiery look. Buffy took William's shoulder and softly with her other hand brushed a lock of fading bleach blonde hair from his forehead. She noticed how his brown roots were showing, auburn brown, slightly curly; she wondered if she could see it properly in its natural state. Willow watched as Buffy looked so tenderly on the blind vamp who shivered and mumbled to himself.

"William, I'll be right back; I need to talk to Willow." She said softly as she stood and went to the shop, Willow following.

"What happened to his eyes?" Willow asked softly as Buffy sat on the research table her head in her hands trying to think about all that had happened in the past hour.

"He did it to himself; to stop seeing their faces. Oh Willow can you help him?" Buffy asked looking at her friend with tears in her eyes.

"I don't think magic can help. It won't bring back his eyes. Buffy nothing can bring back his eyes. But the pain, the pain will fade as he learns to accept what he had done but it took Angel nearly a hundred years to get over it." Willow said softly

"I don't have a hundred years!" Buffy shouted her voice filled with frustration and anger.

"I said I would help him and I will." She said tears now falling down her cheeks.

"Why after what he did to you?" Willow asked; a question Buffy had asked herself until she had listened to him talk; she was helping him because she cared about him. Loved him? No she didn't love him but she did care about him; she didn't want him suffering.

"He's not that Spike anymore, he is William." She said simply.

"LAURA!" the scream from the training room made them both start and Buffy ran to the training room where William was climbing the walls clawing at the red brick wall as if trying to get out. Watching him Willow was reminded about how Tara had been after Glory attacked her. There as she watched Buffy trying to clam him down; trying to hold him as he clawed away at the wall leaving bloody prints, she knew she would help him; no matter how hard it would be.


	4. help him?

Chapter 4

She had never been frightened of him before but now as she tried to clam him down he scared her. She made soft noises and softly tried to get him to relax again.

"Why are you helping me? Last time I saw you. The pain I caused you."

"That was Spike, you are William; I said I will help you and I will." She said as she cautiously putting her arm around him, his skin shivering. She looked at him softly as she helped him to sit down. She looked to Willow who just nodded and went to get the first aid kit.

"I keep seeing Laura, it wasn't my fault, but she still keeps screaming for me to help her. Buffy I can't do this. Stake me." He wept as she slowly opened the red box and began to bandage his eyes. His hands slowly came to her cheek.

"I can still see you pet. No matter how blind I am I can always see your face." His voice soft and quite as he continued to run his fingers over her cheeks and chin. Buffy looked at him with tears swimming in her eyes. Why was he affecting her like this? She shouldn't care about him, he had tried to rape her but then as she looked at him she knew this was not the same man that had been in her bathroom that night. Slowly she started to bandage his eyes.

"Can you make them go away can you make Laura go away?" he whispered as she slowly finished bandaging his scarred face.

"I'll do whatever I can, I promise." She sighed as she looked to Willow, the witch nodded understanding that they were about to get into research mode.

"Hey Spi… William. I'm gona make you sleep now okay, you need to rest. It'll be fine just a few hours sleep." Willow said as she put her hand softly on the vampire's head and he gently slumped into Buffy's arms asleep. Buffy gently laid him on a mat putting her coat on his shoulders turning to Willow she let out a heavy sigh and the two women left the vampire to sleep softly in the corner.

"Xander will not be happy." Willow said softly. Buffy stopped in her tracks and spun on her heel.

"He'll deal and if he doesn't he can talk to me. Got that no one is going to hurt William." She said as she looked back into the training room where she could hear the familiar soft snore that was Spike when he was asleep. She had often wondered about that those few times they had slept together but he snored just soft little snores that sounded more like purrs. Looking at him now his eyes bandaged she felt something pangs of both guilt and something close to love. She didn't love him she couldn't love him not after what he did to her the last time they met.

"But."

"But nothing this is not Spike this is the man that has been trapped by the demon since 1880 he remembers everything the demon did every person that died by his hand this is the man dealing with it. He needs to. God he needs to be the man, the soul, the demon robbed. Willow I need you to find out everything you can on the disappearance of Laura. It must have been 1871 at least, in Norfolk during the summer. How many ten year old girls went missing? If I can solve that problem for him he might start to except the guilt if I can ease that pain maybe I can help him." She said as she ran her hand through her hair, not a natural gesture for her but she needed to do something with her hands. Only after she had run her finger through her hair did she realize that they were still soaked with his blood. Both startled and horrified she looked at her hands his blood was all over her running as far as her wrists.

"I can't let him suffer. If he can blind himself what will he do when the voices get louder? He deserves some sort of existence now he is well William Dru stole his life now he has it back, soul wise anyway, with his natural ability of immortality. If I can give him even a portion of a life he missed out on I will. And I _will_ make him see again." She said as she stared at the blood that stained her hands and sleeves. Willow looked at her with only a look Willow could give not judgmental but not exactly supportive.

"Buffy I love you, you know that. And Spike, sorry William is well scared. No matter what has to be done I will help you. It pains me to say but he reminds me of Tara when Glory attacked her. I will I promise do everything in my power to help him but it could be hard. Spike did a lot of nasty things not as bad as Angel in his day but gosh the way he got the name Spike."

"Just go all researchy for me please?" Buffy said as she looked at her delicate but powerful friend.


	5. danann

Chapter 5

A/N: Okay I know very depressing at the moment but it will get lighter I promise but still a groupie of the darkness for this chapter. Willow did not kill Warren. I don't like the fact Tara died, I liked her too much. So Tara is alive! Will deal with 'Seeing Red' later.

After half an hour searching the internet Willow stopped and let out a triumphant sigh.

"I think I got something here look. _'Norfolk Telegraph' _June 1869. Listen to this. Last night just as the sun had set the two children of Lord William Austen were playing by the shores of the Soul River near their grandmother's estate when Miss Laura Austen vanished. She is presumed drowned, her elder brother Master William Austen was near by but never noticed what happened." Willow stopped and looked to Buffy.

"What's up?" she sighed as she saw the look on the Slayers face.

"Austen huh, we have known him for what six years we never even knew his real name." she said as she looked into the training room to see the sleeping vampire who was simply Lord William Austen, Lord a real English Lord.

"I suppose, we simply never bothered to ask. Not that Spike would have told us. And he was only twenty two when he died kinda sad really." Willow said as she skimmed past the article.

"Hold on a sec it says here that Laura wasn't the first young girl to disappear, apparently she was at least the fiftieth god Buffy I just ran a google on this three girls have vanished in the same area at the same time of year since oh my god they go back to 1660 and that's only when the records start."

"So we are thinking big bad in the green hills of merry old England." Buffy said softly as she looked to her sleeping ex-lover.

"Alright I need books on this; there must be something. All these girls have gone from the banks of the same river, same time of year, same time of day." Willow sighed as she started to pull books from the shelf. Buffy nodded and slowly went to sit by Spike's side.

Looking down on him as he slept she wondered if the voices were still there. She softly put her hand to his bandage.

"Don't touch, not worthy." He said softly as he woke curling again into a ball. Looking at him she felt guilty. Why had he gotten a soul? How had he gotten a soul?

"How did you get a soul?" she asked softly she went to him slowly and tried to hold him.

"I went to Africa, to get what you deserve. Now I know you deserve me dead." He said as he tried to claw at his bandages.

"I can still see them all of them and poor sweet Laura. It killed father when she vanished. He spent hundreds of pounds searching. Then when there were no leads he started to drink, it wasn't long after that maybe two years after she vanished he died; in some dingy bar in London. After that I became Lord Austen ran what was left of my father's business. I was barely fifteen. A man's world thrust upon me."

"I know that feeling. To much responsibility, to soon." He slowly moved closer to her.

"I wish I could see you." He said softly as he started to reach for her face but then he stopped his trembling hand hovering mid air. He snapped his hand back to his chest trembling.

"Why aren't you angry with me?" he said nursing his hand to his chest.

"I am, don't get me wrong. I had been on my way to your crypt tonight to kick the proverbial out of you. But when I saw you." She stopped and looked at him trembling.

"When you saw me you felt pity. I get it couldn't kill a poor blinded vampire." He hissed painfully as he touched his missing eyes.

"I would never pity you _Spike_, you hear me you are Spike. You are the man Cecily rejected, the man that held the railroad spikes, the man that protected Dawn while I was gone. You are the man who said the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. But you have hurt me more then anyone I have ever met."

"Kill me Slayer." he begged grabbing her arms forcefully, vamping out as he did. He let her go immediately screaming in pain as he rubbed his face where the ridges of his 'game face' burned. Buffy bristled with fear as she remembered the way he had grabbed her in the bathroom. Looking at him now as he screamed with pain his feet going from under him, she couldn't help but remember how he spoke to her when she first came back.

'Every night I save you.' It had broken her heart; the look he had when he first saw that it was really her, a mixture of tears and happiness. He slumped now against the wall and he again began to sob his body shaking with the weight of the tears.

"Can you ever forgive me?" he said.

"I can try, maybe in time I'll trust you again." She sighed her head bowed as she looked to the doorway where Willow stood looking on in silence, motioning for Buffy to join her in the main shop.

"William I will be right back. I'll have to get you home before the sunrises." She said as she went to join the witch.

"Em Buffy I think I might have done something. I didn't mean to." The witch said her eyes looking at the floor. Buffy just raised her left eyebrow and put her hands on her hips.

"Well I found the demon, it's a Danann. Some old Celtic demon who takes children, it doesn't say what it does with them. But I read an incantation and I think I summoned it to Sunnydale. Sorry." The witch said softly.

"A Danann. I met one once. Is that what took Laura." Spike said softly as he stepped carefully into the shop. Buffy went to him and brought him to a chair. He fell into it and wrapped the coat tightly around himself.

"We think so. Can you tell us what it is?" Buffy sighed softly. Willow watched how Buffy took his hand softly.

"It's old, older then many a demon. But it's more of a parasite it needs a body to live in. oh God."

"What?" Buffy sighed softly as she looked up at his broken face.

"It needs a body of a young girl every five hundred years to live in. then each summer and Autumn it takes the life force of three other children to sustain itself. It's like a succubus. Bloody hard to kill, damn near impossible. When I faced one nearly didn't make it. You need to draw the souls of the children out of her then you lobe the bitch's head off. Dru sucked the souls out, wanted to see the pretty colours they made. That bitch nearly broke me in half. The Danann is awfully strong."

"Don't worry, hell I faced a god. Oh well I died but hey look at me standing here." She said softly. Spike looked towards her his eyes bandaged heavily and she heard him sigh softly, she never knew vampires could sigh.

Chapter 5

A/N: Okay I know very depressing at the moment but it will get lighter I promise but still a groupie of the darkness for this chapter. Willow did not kill Warren. I don't like the fact Tara died, I liked her too much. So Tara is alive! Will deal with 'Seeing Red' later.

After half an hour searching the internet Willow stopped and let out a triumphant sigh.

"I think I got something here look. _'Norfolk Telegraph' _June 1869. Listen to this. Last night just as the sun had set the two children of Lord William Austen were playing by the shores of the Soul River near their grandmother's estate when Miss Laura Austen vanished. She is presumed drowned, her elder brother Master William Austen was near by but never noticed what happened." Willow stopped and looked to Buffy.

"What's up?" she sighed as she saw the look on the Slayers face.

"Austen huh, we have known him for what six years we never even knew his real name." she said as she looked into the training room to see the sleeping vampire who was simply Lord William Austen, Lord a real English Lord.

"I suppose, we simply never bothered to ask. Not that Spike would have told us. And he was only twenty two when he died kinda sad really." Willow said as she skimmed past the article.

"Hold on a sec it says here that Laura wasn't the first young girl to disappear, apparently she was at least the fiftieth god Buffy I just ran a google on this three girls have vanished in the same area at the same time of year since oh my god they go back to 1660 and that's only when the records start."

"So we are thinking big bad in the green hills of merry old England." Buffy said softly as she looked to her sleeping ex-lover.

"Alright I need books on this; there must be something. All these girls have gone from the banks of the same river, same time of year, same time of day." Willow sighed as she started to pull books from the shelf. Buffy nodded and slowly went to sit by Spike's side.

Looking down on him as he slept she wondered if the voices were still there. She softly put her hand to his bandage.

"Don't touch, not worthy." He said softly as he woke curling again into a ball. Looking at him she felt guilty. Why had he gotten a soul? How had he gotten a soul?

"How did you get a soul?" she asked softly she went to him slowly and tried to hold him.

"I went to Africa, to get what you deserve. Now I know you deserve me dead." He said as he tried to claw at his bandages.

"I can still see them all of them and poor sweet Laura. It killed father when she vanished. He spent hundreds of pounds searching. Then when there were no leads he started to drink, it wasn't long after that maybe two years after she vanished he died; in some dingy bar in London. After that I became Lord Austen ran what was left of my father's business. I was barely fifteen. A man's world thrust upon me."

"I know that feeling. To much responsibility, to soon." He slowly moved closer to her.

"I wish I could see you." He said softly as he started to reach for her face but then he stopped his trembling hand hovering mid air. He snapped his hand back to his chest trembling.

"Why aren't you angry with me?" he said nursing his hand to his chest.

"I am, don't get me wrong. I had been on my way to your crypt tonight to kick the proverbial out of you. But when I saw you." She stopped and looked at him trembling.

"When you saw me you felt pity. I get it couldn't kill a poor blinded vampire." He hissed painfully as he touched his missing eyes.

"I would never pity you _Spike_, you hear me you are Spike. You are the man Cecily rejected, the man that held the railroad spikes, the man that protected Dawn while I was gone. You are the man who said the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. But you have hurt me more then anyone I have ever met."

"Kill me Slayer." he begged grabbing her arms forcefully, vamping out as he did. He let her go immediately screaming in pain as he rubbed his face where the ridges of his 'game face' burned. Buffy bristled with fear as she remembered the way he had grabbed her in the bathroom. Looking at him now as he screamed with pain his feet going from under him, she couldn't help but remember how he spoke to her when she first came back.

'Every night I save you.' It had broken her heart; the look he had when he first saw that it was really her, a mixture of tears and happiness. He slumped now against the wall and he again began to sob his body shaking with the weight of the tears.

"Can you ever forgive me?" he said.

"I can try, maybe in time I'll trust you again." She sighed her head bowed as she looked to the doorway where Willow stood looking on in silence, motioning for Buffy to join her in the main shop.

"William I will be right back. I'll have to get you home before the sunrises." She said as she went to join the witch.

"Em Buffy I think I might have done something. I didn't mean to." The witch said her eyes looking at the floor. Buffy just raised her left eyebrow and put her hands on her hips.

"Well I found the demon, it's a Danann. Some old Celtic demon who takes children, it doesn't say what it does with them. But I read an incantation and I think I summoned it to Sunnydale. Sorry." The witch said softly.

"A Danann. I met one once. Is that what took Laura." Spike said softly as he stepped carefully into the shop. Buffy went to him and brought him to a chair. He fell into it and wrapped the coat tightly around himself.

"We think so. Can you tell us what it is?" Buffy sighed softly. Willow watched how Buffy took his hand softly.

"It's old, older then many a demon. But it's more of a parasite it needs a body to live in. oh God."

"What?" Buffy sighed softly as she looked up at his broken face.

"It needs a body of a young girl every five hundred years to live in. then each summer and Autumn it takes the life force of three other children to sustain itself. It's like a succubus. Bloody hard to kill, damn near impossible. When I faced one nearly didn't make it. You need to draw the souls of the children out of her then you lobe the bitch's head off. Dru sucked the souls out, wanted to see the pretty colours they made. That bitch nearly broke me in half. The Danann is awfully strong."

"Don't worry, hell I faced a god. Oh well I died but hey look at me standing here." She said softly. Spike looked towards her his eyes bandaged heavily and she heard him sigh softly, she never knew vampires could sigh.


	6. sense

A/N: Just a short chap to let ye all know i haven't forgotten about this story and i will be updating.

Chapter 6

He wanted to see her more then anything. He could imagine her dark blonde hair in a loose ponytail, wisps of hair poking out from her ears where they could never be settled. He wished he could see how her one hand was rested on her hip in a determined pose which wished to tell the world that she was in charge even if she didn't know what she was doing. That elusion of control was the only thing that held her together at most times. They all looked to her to be their leader and they seemed to forget that she is only a twenty one year old; she should have been in college learning the difference from a kegger and a small party. He wanted to be there for her and yet he wanted to remove himself from the troubled world she inhabited. He was part of the problem that not many people knew existed. He was the problem that made her what she was. He wanted her to be a normal girl with a normal boyfriend and the only problem facing her the choice of outfit she wanted to ware. But she was stuck as a general in a war where she was the only true soldier. There were others who took up the fight but she was the only one with the true power that could fight the evil.

Spike wiped his face slowly doing his best to avoid the tight bandages she had put on. She had been overly gentle treating him. He wondered why? Was it pity for the state he had brought himself too? Was it because she actually meant that she loved him; not that she would ever tell him. He wasn't Angel even now with his soul he could never be as remorseful as the poof. Spike had always seen himself as stronger as a man, vampire, who could face the tragedies that he had caused; he couldn't change them now, even though he saw the blood of a thousand victims on his hands he could never be as guilty Angel. But when he heard the cries the pleas for mercy he ignored it broke his hear. He had killed women children the weak the old. He deserved to die. But she was still here with him he followed her scent slowly as she moved around the room, passion fruit and mango shampoo, the earthy smell she got after a slay and just her very essence. If the room had been filled with a hundred people he could have found her, even if he was blind. As long as he had her would survive. Why was she helping him? She could hear her sobs as he tried to hurt her in the bathroom, why hadn't she just left him to be finished of by some lesser demon?


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"Every night I save you." Looking at him she remembered the look on his face as he looked at her after she had returned, the way his eyes held her as if, if they ever left her she would vanish. Looking at him now she wondered if she could save him. She wondered why she wanted to save him. She watched as he sat on the chair his shoulders shrunk in defeat, this was not how she knew Spike. He seemed destroyed other then a few phrases which sounded like her spike. Her spike why did she think that. He was not her's she was not his. A soul, he had got a soul for her.

"Every night I save you." She whispered, she knew he could hear her even if Willow couldn't. she watched as he turned his bandaged face towards her.

"And every night I fail. I always fail. I'm sorry." He whispered softly, the sorrow in his voice broke her heart. She went to him and knelt by the chair. He went to touch her but stopped, his hands shaking, she hadn't noticed but his hands were covered in blood, his blood. How had he taken his eyes out? As soon as she thought of the question she knew she didn't want the answer. She could still make out the burns from the cross he had repeatedly placed on his torso and legs, her tan coat tight across his waist.

"It's nearly dawn, I'm going to take Spike back to mine today, you go researchy for me. We won't tell Xander anything okay you get Tara onto this though. But only us three should know Spike is back." Buffy said as she helped Spike stand. Willow nodded as she already flipped through a book looking for the Dadann.

"Leave me in the sun, I want to feel it tingle." He sighed as she helped him.

"Don't you pull a Drusilla on me, I know you aren't that bad so _William_ _Austen_, why did you never tell us your real name?" Buffy sighed as they slowly made their way to her house.

"You never asked." He sighed softly as she opened the door as they we walked towards her home.

"Come in Spike you are welcome in my home." She said as she helped him cross the threshold.

"Oh thank you. I'm sorry" he whispered as she helped him over the threshold pf her house.


	8. the kitchen

CHAPTER 8

Buffy walked him slowly through her kitchen still conscious of his blood on her hands and on his face. He shivered against her warm skin, she was so hot against his skin. She had never noticed before then the real contrast between their skin. She had noticed the paleness of his skin but he before he had never had felt cold. Now his skin felt frozen next to hers as she helped him through the kitchen. She sat him down softly on one of the breakfast islands stools as she put one of Dawn's blood packs into the microwave. As she waited for the shrill bleep of the microwave she watched as Spike shrunk into himself, his shoulders slumped and body language so different to the vampire she had fought and slept with, she wanted to call Angel and ask how he had at first dealt with his soul. But then she remembered how different these two vampires were without their soul, Spike loved her even when he was soulless, Angelus wanted to torture her because she made him feel. These two vamps were cut from a different cloth as her grandmother would have said. Spike shivered softly as she opened the blood packet and poured it into the mug. He shivered as if he dreaded and loved the smell of the warm blood that was coming to him.

As she handed him the mug he both purred and frowned at the mug which he brought to his lips as if it was a tonne weight, both needing and loathing it. Once the warm syrup hit his lips he drank greedily as his mouth turned in both pleasure and disgust at the act. She stood by the sink and watched him remembering how cocky he had once been, how he had teased her, how they had danced together matching each blow how they had fought side by side his chip her excuse for not killing him.

"I've missed you." He sighed softly as he placed the mug down on the island.

"I miss you too." She whispered in such a low tone that even his vampric senses almost missed it.

"Kill me Buffy, I deserver to die." He sighed looking at her with his bandaged eyes, his shoulders still slumped in abject defeat, all his body language told her that he wanted death some hundred years after his natural life ended.

"No you don't." she said coming closer to him smelling his dried blood on them both.

"I hurt you more then Angel." He whispered as he she came closer he could sense her and each nerve ending told him to reach out but his heart and soul told him to shudder at the sympathy touch.

"You loved me more then anyone even without a soul." She sighed as she came next to him, her warm breath making his cold skin tremble.

"Liar" he sighed as he pushed the half full mug away from him.

"You held your promise to look after Dawn even when I was 'gone'. I lead you on I won't excuse what you tried to do in the bathroom but I know that I helped drive you to it, you scared me there more then you ever scared me."

"You should kill me for that. I would kill myself but I am such a coward. You will never forgive me I know. I don't want you to forgive me. I am actually surprised you let me into your house again." He said sensing her move even closer to him.

"Spike, William." Just her saying his name made him want to cry and his shoulders shook. Her hands took him and slowly she helped lift him from the stool and as he wrapped his arm around her tiny frame as she guided him down towards the basement.


End file.
